2011 in Review Part 1

So begins my epic summary of 2011. Epic primarily because I haven’t done a blog post since February. I could just give up on this whole blog thing. I mean, obviously I’m bad at it, but I really do like keeping some sort of a record since my journal writing tendencies are also completely abysmal. So here we go!

Instead of going chronologically, I’m going to summarize the year based upon events. Sadly, the dominant theme for the Adam Ards’ this year is failed attempts to hear the pitter patter of little feet. Or is it? Yes and no. I personally think the dominant theme for 2011 is better reflected in resilience, scrappiness, hope springing eternal, etc. In a nutshell though, Adam and I tried two rounds of IVF this year. Once in January/February and again in July/August. The first round resulted in a miscarriage. The second round resulted in two ectopic pregnancies and two surgeries within a week of each other. No risk that they’ll forget who we are at the fertility clinic! I have started dozens of posts, some only in my mind, about what has happened. I know that I’m under no obligation to touch on the subject at all, but it wouldn’t feel like this blog is about our family, currently consisting of Adam and I, if I didn’t. These experiences have been heartbreaking and significant. They have changed us permanently and therefore deserve to be acknowledged.

The IVF process is a draining one, particularly when you do a second round within a few months of doing the first round. You start with birth control pills to essentially shut down your body from doing its own thing. Next come the injections. The first time we did the standard thing: one injection in the abdomen for about a week or so, then add two more also in the abdomen for at least another week. Then come the daily ultrasounds to check your progress. Once, you’re ready, there’s the egg retrieval and the beginning of the daily progesterone shots in the back side. Don’t be fooled, those progesterone shots are by far the worst part. You recover from the egg retrieval after a few days and in the meantime get a phone call from the lab telling how many eggs they were able to fertilize and when they want you to come into to transfer then back into your hopefully hospitable womb. Oh yeah, and your husband has to provide a sample and take some antibiotics, too – they really like to make sure everyone feels involved. That’s a very general overview of the process.

The first time around, I reacted very strongly to the drugs and they had to retrieve on the earliest day possible to avoid hyper-stimulation in my ovaries. They were able to retrieve about 28 and of those about 19 were mature enough to be fertilized. Out of the 19 or so fertilized, there were about 6-7 that survived and of those only 3 were really considered good enough to transfer. They transferred two and we opted not to freeze the other one that survived since there was only one. The miscarriage occurred on March 31st. We were told that there was no specific reason it happened and therefore there was no reason to not try again when we were ready.

The second time around, in light of my first response, they elected to change up the injections and triggers typically used to get me to the egg retrieval. It seemed to work fairly well because they didn’t have to retrieve quite as early and we were hoping the quality of embryos would be better. Bizarrely, only two embryos survived this time, but they didn’t just survive – they were considered stellar qualify embryos so we transferred them with high hopes on my birthday at the end of August and well, you already know the rest. We found out about the first ectopic on September 16th and I was finally able to get back to work, resuming my normal life without the prospect of children on October 3rd.

So, as you can see, this took up a large chunk of the year. So much so that I can hardly believe it’s December. But it is. It’s funny because even now I experience such a multitude of different reactions when I think about everything that has happened. There’s the hand-wringing, teary eyed Jen who wants to sink to her knees with her face to the sky screaming “why did this happen!?” Seriously, why? That’s the weak Jen that now is only acknowledged during moments of extreme fatigue when the other Jens are off their game. There’s the Jen who shrugs her shoulders and says, “it is what it is and I can’t change it so I must accept it.” This Jen almost feels like laughing when she thinks about it because seriously, have you even heard of such bad luck? Then she secretly worries if there’s something wrong with her for wanting to laugh. There’s also the Jen who somehow knows that this is going to be okay. She has no idea how things will work out, but she knows that God is aware of her and her struggles and will be with her. I was told that in a priesthood blessing during the pain-filled night before the first surgery. For the most part, I’ve never doubted that and have had countless other experiences since then to reaffirm this simple, but precious fact. That’s where the peace comes in and where hope springs eternal.

So there you have it – this has been a big part of our year. I really do feel like we haven’t been beaten. We don’t know why this has happened, but we have grown closer together as a result of it and we know that we’re meant to raise children. We’ve just got to figure out what to do next. We’ve had very positive visits with our doctor. The thing we’ve learned through all of this is that I can get pregnant. A lot of people with fertility issues can’t, even after multiple IVF cycles. Although we’ve been very unfortunate in the outcome, it’s a promising thing that I’ve had two positive pregnancies as a result. Based on what they know about me and Adam’s tests, our doctor is very optimistic. We’re also considering adoption so……we’ll see.

We’re so grateful for family members and friends and neighbors who have reached out and shown us so much love and support. My co-workers have been positively angelic. One friend gave me a list of over 200 hundred names of people who fasted for me one Sunday. Adam and I got spoiled by our neighbors and by my mom when she came to help out. You have all been the major blessings in our lives this year.

Stay tuned for some other moments in 2011 that will, I promise, be a little less heavy than this fun guy. Fungi?